Thirty-one years ago today, I stopped running from God and embraced Jesus.
I did not come to faith until my daughters were 9, 7 and 6. My decision arrived at just the right time, for them and for me.
Yes, I continued to mess up after I made my commitment, as evidenced by the fact I got divorced a year after my youngest daughter graduated from high school.
But, it was my faith that strengthened my commitment to be involved in my daughters’ lives.
Holding my oldest daughter seconds after she was born was a wake-up call that my life was going in the wrong direction. Coming to faith was an admission to myself that I needed help to raise them right.
It was my first pastor who strongly suggested that I schedule one-on-one time with each of my daughters every month. When I balked at the time commitment, he assured me that the time would impact my life and theirs in ways that would not be immediately obvious.
He was right. It wasn’t until my daughters were in their 20s that I learned how much they looked forward to our special outings, and how much time they put into planning the things we would do together.
Fellowship and accountability
More importantly, it was weekly connection with other Christian fathers that proved to be most influential in getting me through some difficult challenges. The group consisted of fathers with very young children, teenagers and kids in college.
Just the ability to share my struggles with other rock-solid men, and get their sage advice, was absolutely worth it. Had I not become a Christian, I very likely would have been alone, lonely and broke.
So, when I saw and article a few weeks ago from Everyday Theology asking “What makes a Christian dad?,” I was intrigued. The author, who was not credited by name, had lots of wonderful insight.
He is absolutely correct in noting that, as fathers, we can surround ourselves with churchy things, but still be caught up in our own desires.
“Things like: my preferences, my temper, my fears, my pride, my need for order, my love of quiet, my impatience with weakness, my deep and often embarrassing desire for things to go the way I pictured them going in my head five minutes before real life showed up and ruined everything,” the author noted.
Christian or not, which father doesn’t struggle with that? I certainly did, and continue to do so today.
Like him, I saw myself as a “father who loves truth, who wants to lead well, who wants to protect his home, who wants to hand his children something solid and lasting and beautiful.”
Yet, also like him, I was also a father who could be “selfish, proud, inwardly hurried, too easily bothered, too eager for outward peace, too willing to settle for quick compliance when what is really needed is shepherding.”
Being a father is a constant battle for control, especially when we deeply feel things are out of control. It’s also a battle over trust and influence. Will I allow myself to trust God and turn over seemingly impossible situations to him? Or will I try to figure it out on my own, quickly jump in to fix things before fully evaluating the circumstances and coming up with the BEST solution?
The author noted that it was possible for men to start treating his children as proof that he is a strong father of faith. <gulp> “Proof that he is leading well, that his home is ordered, that his convictions are working, and that he is not failing.”
That pretty well sums of my feelings during my entire parenting experience. Fake it ’til you make it, right?
Our daughters should not validate us
However, our daughters are not proof. As the author noted, “They are souls. Souls with fears and sins and weaknesses and glories and futures I cannot see. Souls who need more than my management. Souls who need more than my standards. Souls who need Jesus. And if I forget that, I will start responding to their failures as threats to me instead of opportunities to shepherd them toward Christ.”
Fathering is not easy, in any way. We are often called to be the bad guy to make the right decisions despite pleading and tears to go a different direction. We are told by “the world” that we are failing because we don’t follow their advice.
That’s why faith is so important. Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1) We may not see the results for decades until our daughters have children of their own.
We may not see the fruit at all in our lifetimes, but hope with confidence that the seeds we plant as fathers will germinate and produce fruit someday.
So, what is a Christian father? He is a man being buffeted every day by forces he cannot see or even understand. But, he is vulnerable enough to admit when he makes mistakes, apologize, ask forgiveness, and trust God to help him do better next time.
He is a man who creates the same environment at home that serves as a safety net for his children, who are also being pulled in multiple directions and, very likely, going to make mistakes of their own for which they will need our forgiveness.
I encourage all fathers to read the article from Everyday Theology. It will reassure you that you’re on the right path, even when you think you are falling short of expectations.
