As good girl dads, we want the best for our daughters. We want them to have fun and enjoy a variety of meaningful experiences.
Yet, that desire can quickly lead us to the poor house and often puts us in the unenviable position of being the bad guys by saying no to their requests.
I was talking with a father this week who was in a conundrum because his daughter was a talented gymnast, and membership in the local gym cost $500 per month as well as the cost of participating in summer competitions.
Now, her high school band class was planning a once-every-four-years cruise to Mexico at a cost of more than $2,000. Of course, his daughter was fully expecting dad to open his wallet to fund it all.
The father asked for some advice and I was quick to suggest that, at 14, she was able to start paying for a significant cost of these activities.
She could get a part-time job, but now dad has to cart her to and from an employer. He was worried that adding a job commitment to her schedule would impact her grades. Both are valid points.
Here are some guidelines for when and how girls should contribute to their extra-curricular activities. The point is that daughters do not necessarily need to help with the family budget. Yet, she should have some skin in the game because that’s how real life works.
Ages 5 to 7
At this age, dad usually pays for everything because she rarely has the means to contribute anything of significance to the cost. So, the lesson should be one of gratitude, not finance.
Your daughter can help by choosing between activities and understanding that money is limited, especially if she isn’t the only child expecting dad to finance her endeavors.
She can also help by saving a few dollars for snacks or souvenirs. Isn’t the purpose of savings? To have money for things we want in the future.
Ages 8 to 10
This is a good age for daughters to start doing chores to earn money to contribute a small amount toward extra costs.
For example, if she wants to go on a school trip, play a sport, buy a team hoodie, or attend a special event, she might contribute $5, $10 or a portion of her birthday money.
The point is not to reduce dad’s financial burden. It is to help her connect desire with responsibility.
It’s also the age when she must start to realize that her time is limited and she must make tough decisions about what she wants to do.
Ages 11 to 13
This is where financial contributions can become more meaningful because she has the ability to earn money to help pay for things she wants to do.
If she is responsible, babysitters are always in high demand. But, if she hasn’t demonstrated a level of maturity to be responsible for other people’s children, she can build that responsibility by doing lawn work, washing cars, walking dogs, etc.
That way she can pay for extras, upgrades, souvenirs, special snacks, optional gear, or part of the registration fee. If the trip costs $300, maybe she saves $50 to $100.
At this stage, she should learn that “I really want this” often means “I need to plan for it.”
Ages 14 to 18
By high school, girls can reasonably be expected to contribute toward optional activities, especially expensive ones.
That could include part of a sports fee, travel costs, spending money, special equipment, camp fees, concert tickets, mission trips or school excursions.
After all, this is the age at which they can get jobs working for businesses. A daughter learns people are counting on her to be where she needs to be on time, and to provide valuable service when on the clock.
With most employers starting teenage workers at $15 per hour today, there is no reason why your daughter should not be able to make a significant amount of money toward the school trip or summer camp.
Dad can still help generously, but she should begin learning that meaningful opportunities often require sacrifice.
Rule of thumb
A good rule of thumb for DODO Dads would be to:
- Pay for needs.
- Share the cost of wants.
- Let her pay for extras.
So, if soccer helps her health, friendships and personal growth, then dad may pay the base cost. But, if she wants the premium cleats, a tournament hoodie, custom bag and team trip extras, that is where she contributes.
The goal is not to make daughters feel like they must bear a burden. The goal is to raise women who understand the importance of money, planning, gratitude and commitment. When she has skin in the game, she is less likely to quit and more likely to realize she will need to work to get what she wants.
A good dad phrase would be:
“I’m happy to help with this because I believe it’s good for you. But, since you really want it, I want you to help pay for part of it. Not because I’m cheap, but because I want you to understand that important things require investment.”
That teaches responsibility without making her feel unsupported.
More importantly, you are ushering her into adulthood where she must pay for everything and juggle her schedule to get it done. Otherwise, she is in for a rude awakening when she can no longer rely on the unlimited resources of The Bank of Dad.
I am the father of three now-grown young women with families of their own. A native of Wisconsin, I now live in Arizona, but enjoy visiting my eight grandchildren whenever I can.
