Finding the right words to describe his daughter’s wedding took Tony Fontana a while.
The reception looked more like a giant costume party than a traditional wedding. Guests dressed (cosplayed) as characters from movies and animated series gathered inside a castle built in the woods.
Tony watched his daughter, Allyn, move through the crowd laughing, hugging people and making everyone feel welcome. Then he realized what he was seeing and experiencing.
“You two have the gift of bringing together people who normally would never spend time with each other,” Tony recalled telling Allyn and her husband, Elrond. “But, because of your love for people, everybody came together to celebrate with you.”
For Tony, the wedding reflected the woman his daughter had become. She was compassionate, confident and comfortable being herself.
Looking back, he realized the most important lessons he learned as a father had very little to do with strict rules or material things. Most lessons came from learning how to truly understand his daughter.
Becoming a girl dad
Tony never actually knew he was becoming a girl dad until the moment Allyn was born.
Unlike many parents today, he and his second wife decided not to learn the baby’s gender ahead of time. Family members nearly spoiled the surprise more than once, but somehow Tony missed every clue.
“I was hoping for a daughter,” he said. “So, when she popped out, it was a lovely surprise.”
Allyn became the third of four children, though her brothers were much older. In many ways, she grew up like an only child. Most of her time was spent around adults instead of other kids, which Tony believes shaped her personality early.
She loved Disney movies and could recite entire scenes word-for-word while still a preschooler. Tony often brought her to card games with the fellas. where she quietly sat with her blanket, her thumb in her mouth and a VHS tape playing nearby.
“She was the perfect traveling companion,” he recalled.
At the same time, she was remarkably social. As a little girl, Allyn constantly asked to meet strangers in stores or restaurants. Tony would walk over and explain that his daughter wanted to introduce herself.
“She just loved meeting people,” he said.
Looking back, Tony believed those moments helped build her confidence that lasted into adulthood. Instead of shielding her from conversations, he encouraged her to engage with people.
Tony also avoided talking down to his daughter. He never used baby talk or simplified language around her.
“I always talked to her normally,” he explained. “I think that helped her development.”
Still, one of Tony’s biggest parenting discoveries came much later.
Needing space to recover
For years, Allyn appeared outgoing and social. She spoke comfortably in public and loved interacting with people. But, during high school, Tony noticed periods where she would completely shut down emotionally after school.
At first, he misunderstood what was happening.
“She wouldn’t answer me sometimes,” Tony recalled. “I thought maybe she was being disrespectful.”
Eventually, Allyn explained she was emotionally drained after spending all day around classmates and teachers. She described having only so much emotional energy each day before needing time alone to recharge. She explained, “Dad, it’s like I only have so many spoons in a day and once they are used up, my energy to respond is gone.”
That conversation changed Tony’s perspective as a father and helped him realize Allyn was introverted.
“I wish I would’ve known that when she was younger,” he said.
Instead of taking her silence personally, he began recognizing it as exhaustion rather than rejection.
That lesson became central to the advice he now gives other fathers.
“Know your daughter’s temperament,” Tony said. “Really understand how she’s wired.”
Tony believed many parenting struggles happen because fathers misread what daughters are feeling.
A quiet daughter may not be angry, a stubborn daughter may simply want independence, and an emotional daughter may not be looking for solutions. Sometimes she simply wants understanding.
Successful co-parenting
Tony learned many of those lessons while raising Allyn largely on his own after separating from her mother. Although the marriage ended, both parents stayed actively involved in Allyn’s life.
When Allyn became a teenager, Tony faced one of the hardest moments of his parenting journey when she moved in with her mother full time around age 16. That decision had been made four years earlier.
Part of him wanted to keep her close. Another part understood she needed her mother’s guidance as she became a young woman.
“It was hard,” he admitted. “But there were things her mother could teach her that I couldn’t.”
The transition created challenges. Tony ran a relaxed household while her mother emphasized structure and rules. Like many teenagers, Allyn resisted the adjustment at times.
Still, Tony believed the experience helped her mature.
“You need to work this out with your mother,” he remembered telling her during difficult moments.
Tony also discovered that fathers naturally want to fix problems quickly, especially emotional ones. When Allyn struggled with friendships or anxiety, his instinct was to immediately offer solutions.
Looking back, he wished he had listened more carefully first.
“I wish I would’ve asked more questions instead of trying to fix everything,” he said.
Contending with bullies
That realization became especially important when Allyn experienced bullying after transferring schools. She was teased for being younger than her classmates, for being vegetarian and for practicing a different faith tradition than many students around her.
Tony initially missed the warning signs because Allyn did not openly discuss the situation. Instead, he noticed changes in her behavior.
“I should’ve caught it sooner,” he said.
The experience taught him how important emotional awareness can be for fathers. Daughters do not always communicate pain directly. Sometimes they communicate through silence, mood changes or withdrawal.
Painful lessons
Tony also faced parenting moments he wished he could redo.
One memory still bothered him years later. Allyn loved roughhousing and wrestling with her dad when she was young. One day she accidentally kicked Tony hard enough to almost knock him out. Startled and frustrated, he overreacted emotionally.
That emotional energy frightened Allyn and the playful wrestling stopped after that.
“Even today, I wish I could go back and change how I reacted,” he said.
Another regret involved a sleepover where Allyn felt unsafe after a teenage boy behaved inappropriately toward her. When she called upset late at night, Tony initially dismissed her concerns rather than immediately picking her up.
“I should have gotten in the car and gone over there right away,” he said.
Those experiences taught him how important it is for daughters to know their fathers will respond when they need help. He wished they would have created a safe word or phrase.
Teaching values
Even through difficult moments, Tony remained intentional about teaching values. He emphasized punctuality, financial responsibility and kindness. Most importantly, he worked hard to build Allyn’s sense of self-worth.
“Your daughter needs to know her value isn’t based on achievement or appearance,” Tony explained. “You can’t love them too much.”
That message became especially important because Allyn was biracial. Tony and her mother prepared her early for the reality that some people would pressure her to choose one identity over another.
Instead, they encouraged her to embrace all parts of herself.
“She has the best of both,” Tony said proudly.
A strong adult relationship
Today, Allyn works for a small wellness company helping with scheduling, marketing and technology. She remains creative, deeply involved in cosplay culture and happily married to a man she met through shared interests.
Tony still calls her by the nickname, Boo Boo, which he used throughout her childhood.
That simple nickname represents something much larger now. It reflects decades of trust, consistency and connection.
Tony offers two critical pieces of advice for dads raising girls.
- First, understand your daughter’s temperament.
- Second, learn her love language.
“We tend to love our kids the way we want to be loved,” he explained. “But, you need to learn their own love language.”
For Tony, fatherhood was never really about controlling outcomes. He made sure Allyn always knew she mattered.
Readers who would like to connect with Tony Fontana can find him on Facebook or reach him by email at fontana3 @ aol.com.
I am the father of three now-grown young women with families of their own. A native of Wisconsin, I now live in Arizona, but enjoy visiting my eight grandchildren whenever I can.
